Fostering Teenagers

When my fostering journey started a few years ago, I can remember my preference. I wanted to care for a young female. I was asked “would you consider teenagers?” I didn’t want to say no. I thought I sounded negative. But deep down, it really wasn’t where I saw my future…

Fast forward six years and I have a 15-year-old girl and her 13-year-old brother. It’s so far away from what I thought I wanted.

So… I am a single carer (that sounds like another blog post) with a long-term illness (maybe another blog!) and I have teenage siblings (maybe another!) Eighteen months later and I can genuinely say it’s been a privilege.

They arrived one Monday night. It was their first time in care (which can make a bit of a difference) clutching a black bag each, with very few belongings in it. They were told this was an emergency 4-week placement, with the possibility of going home at the end. This was far from correct, something no one knew at the time.

They were petrified and clung to each other crying. I think that very often teens coming into care have lived in chaos for years. When that chaos explodes and is noticed — that’s when they end up in care. These two didn’t even know they were coming to me until they were picked up from school by a social worker.

I felt a bit out of my depth initially — I was nervous and apprehensive. But I remembered I’d successfully raised my two daughters. And now, these children literally only had me!

A year and a half down the road and we’re still together, and I genuinely don’t think they’d rather be anywhere else. Or me for that!

I cannot say it’s been all plain sailing. There have been many downs, but I’m sure any parent of teenagers would say that. Teens in general have a lot to deal with — school, relationships, social media and those dreaded hormones… But they also have to deal with complex emotions from their past.

They are desperate for stability. Someone to sit and listen to them without judgement. To feel secure and safe and to be guided along the right path.

They will have picked up many bad habits during their lives, and we as carers need to help them realise that. Help them change where necessary before they reach adulthood. They want to be independent but are definitely not ready to be so.

One of the most important things I found was to set rules and boundaries very early on, so everyone knew where they stood. Then to remind them of those as and when is necessary. For example, they questioned why they had to take their shoes off when coming through the front door (and even complained to their Social Worker about why they had to!)

My greatest problem with the children was and still is, social media. So boundaries surrounding that were strict and have remained so. It’s also been a massive learning curve for myself as I had not realised how dangerous and addictive it is.

We as a unit have achieved so much. I can generally say I am proud of them and me.

We have been to so many new exciting places. They had never been on an escalator before, but now on one of our many trips to London, they are in awe of going down on the escalator to the underground — and know where the longest ones are!

We have been on holiday 3 times. Tenby, where we sat hours in the sun crabbing. Weymouth, where we shot at each other paintballing and NewQuay where we sat on the beach during an amazing sunset, toasting marshmallows. As well as many, many days out, all of which seem to include ice creams!

They have gone from having little confidence to loads, especially in the water and can both now proudly swim.

We do Scouts, Rangers and youth club… so I always keep them busy. I’ve even somehow ended up being a Section Leader at Scouts, as my youngest teen was too nervous to go on his own and they needed extra help. I have not decided yet if I can cope with going on camp yet!

We have had door slamming, horrendous attitudes (it was especially hard around the one-year anniversary) I’ve had to reach out for help, support and a large shoulder from Calon Cymru. But we have also laughed and laughed till we’ve cried and had so much fun…

Maybe the highlight of my day is when they run out of school beaming away, excited to tell me about their days.

The fact they’ve both behaved all day, detention is a thing of the past and their school marks are creeping up… That’s when I know I’m achieving what I set out to do. Hopefully I have and am paving the way for these two teenagers to grow into responsible young adults ready to send them out into the bigger world to succeed.